37….this is the first birthday I’ve struggled with. I’ve never had a problem getting older…in fact, to a certain degree, I have relished it, because I do believe that with age comes wisdom. But, this year….this year, I just feel old. We went skiing on Saturday. It’s been 9 years since I’ve been and my body really felt it. It’s my own fault. I haven’t been working out or taking care of myself the way I used to (or should). But sometimes, just thinking about getting to the gym wears me out. This time of year is hard, too. I’ve always sort of gotten the “winter blues”, but this year has been particularly hard. I find that I could fall asleep at any given moment of the day, but at 3 o’clock in the morning, my mind is racing with the most ridiculous thoughts (last night, it was “Why haven’t I worn my pink jacket lately…where is that thing anyway?…” – that’s probably another subject for another day). Clearly, my rhythm is messed up. I mean, I’m only 37. That is SO not old. Why do I feel so old?
I was reflecting on my birthday thoughts last year (see below) and it struck me how that I no longer feel like that 16 year old inside. This last year has brought so much change to my life. I have a whole new set of friends, new church community, new ideas (or perhaps just more defined ones) about how I should be living my life. On the one hand, it is refreshing and exciting….I have always known that I wanted something “more”. It’s as though I have found my people – and I no longer feel like I am crazy—there ARE people who think the way I do about the gospel – and that Jesus calls his followers to be radically different in the world – not to just show up in the pew on Sunday. On the other hand, it’s exhausting. Life seemed easier when all you had to do was just check that off the list. But, it wasn’t.
The idea of living in community makes so much sense, but is contrary to my introverted nature. I get energy from people at the same time they are sucking the life out of me. It’s such a strange dichotomy – and one in which I’m struggling to find a harmonious place to exist.
So anyway….for my birthday, one of my gifts was a cool, pink armband for my iPod. Another motivation for me to get to the gym tomorrow. I mean, we can’t let a cool, pink armband sit at home now can we?