I hate it when my mouth says something different than my brain is thinking. It happens to me a lot. I think it’s why I prefer to write. I can write and delete and edit and clarify…even after I’ve hit “publish”. But, sometimes when I talk, my words just don’t come out right and I can’t clarify what I mean. And, then I clam up because I feel like I can’t fix what’s out there or how it’s been perceived. Then, I feel myself being judged and my fight or flight instinct kicks in. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tended more to the flight instinct. It’s easier to run away than defend myself, even though I want to scream “That’s not what I meant!”. The hard part is to not just keep running.
I think it all comes down to trust and acceptance. I find it very difficult to trust people. I don’t know where that comes from, but it’s there. Where many people will trust until they are given a reason not to…I am the opposite. I don’t really trust anyone until they give me a reason to. It’s messed up, I know. And, it makes it really hard to form relationships with people because everyone is going to let you down eventually. Complicating matters is that I have this overwhelming desire to be accepted (ironic for a girl who takes a little bit of pride in being contrary). But, I suppose we all do. And, when I stick my foot in my mouth, I end up feeling on the outs. Which I hate.
It would be so much easier if people could just see into my heart so I wouldn’t have to rely on words to express what’s really in there.
Oh, and happy birthday, Elvis. Or something like that.