Author: Stephanie

Braveheart

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It’s a little ironic that our family hails from Scotland – direct descendents of William Wallace.  My own son shares the name that has passed down for years in the Wallace family.  Despite the historical innacruacies, the movie rightly portrays William Wallace as a patriot, a hero and a brave warrior who fought for his country’s feedom.  He was inspirational as he led his men to battle, ill-eqipped as they were.  And, in the end, he never gave up hope – never stopped fighting.

I like to think that my son inherited more than his name, but also some of the characteristics that have left such an impact on history.  True, the stubborn streak is one that gives a mother fits….but without it, he may not be alive today.  He was born fighting – I was sick with pre-eclampsia which made the womb a hostile place for him and he was born pre-maturely weighing a mere 3 pounds.  Three days later, he was diagnosed with a heart defect.  As I look back, I realize the prognosis was very grim.  But, despite his tiny size and sick heart, I never saw him as weak.  Even the nurses’ in the NICU called him a wild man.  He was a true Wallace.  A true Braveheart.

Today starts Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week.  It began in 1999 by an every day mom to a child born with a heart defect in an effort to educate the public and raise additional funding for support and educational services, scientific research, and improved quality of care for our children and adults.  Today it is an international coalition of families, individuals, non-profit organizations, support groups, and health professionals participating in a campaign to increase public awareness of Congenital Heart Defects and Childhood Heart Disease.

 A disturbing, and little-known statistic is that one in every 100 infants is born with a malformed heart.  More babies are born with CHD than with spina bifida, Down’s syndrome and hearing loss. Yet, heart defects are sometimes overlooked and not routinely diagnosed in newborns.   Until my son was born, I didn’t know anyone with a CHD.  Now, I know so many.  It isn’t that it’s rare…I think it’s that we don’t pay attention to a cause until it impacts our life in some way.  I want people to be impacted NOW – before they experience this.  Yes, it’s time we start screening babies for heart defects.  But, until that happens, those of us who have weathered the storm can provide hope for those who are just beginning the journey.   You can read my son’s whole story by clicking on Our Little Braveheart in the blogroll on the right.

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De-captivating

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A couple of years ago, my husband gave me a copy of the book “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge.  He had read “Wild at Heart” and felt like it really encapsulated how he felt as a man.  The book has been on my shelf since then.  I did try to read it, but the first couple of pages did not grab me, so that was the end of that (I was probably distracted by something shiny).  Since then, I keep getting encouraged by various women in my life to read it.  Last week, a good friend mentioned that she had the book on CD and lent it to me.  I spend a lot of time in the car and listening to books on CD is ideal for me.

I hate it.  There, I said it.  I don’t get it – I find myself looking at my CD player and saying “Whaaaaaat?” – and because of this, I feel like there must be something wrong with me.  I don’t relate to the authors and I think their message is completely skewed by their own experience.  I kept wondering how a Christian woman outside of the United States would feel about this book – with all of the references to movies, novels, songs and celebrities, I felt it was very ethnocentric….which Jesus is not.  I’ve not taken the time to look up all of the scripture references, but even they don’t sit well with me.  I believe the authors hearts are in the right place but nothing they say resonates with me.

As a child, I never wanted to be a princess or dreamed of my knight in shining armor rescuing me from…whatever it was that I needed rescuing.  I don’t read romance novels, don’t listen to sappy love songs and I can’t stand “chick flicks”.  Listening to this book, I began to wonder if I really am even a woman!  At the same time, I am really uncomfortable with the idea of men as rescuers.  How unfair is it to say that my husband can rescue me?  Worse yet, how unfair is it to expect him to rescue me?  He can’t rescue me — only Jesus can rescue me.  The pages of scripture make this abundantly clear.  So, if I expect a man to rescue me, I am only setting myself up for disappointment — and my husband for failure.  Isn’t that man-centered, not God-centered theology?

And speaking of pride, these statements set me back:  “Eve was given to the world as the incarnation of a beautiful, captivating God…” “Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world.”  Maybe I’m being nit-picky, but I don’t think that women give life to the world.  I think they bring life into the world, but only God gives life to the world.

The romantic view of God that is presented makes me uncomfortable as well.   The authors refer to God as a “Lover”.  I do not disagree that God loves us with an everlasting love — the Bible tells us so! –, but I think we must also look at how the Bible defines love.   In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV), the Apostle Paul tells us that love is patient, kind, not envious, boastful, arrogant, rude, selfish, irritable, or resentful.  It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.”  Now, let’s look at how the Bible defines “Romance”.  Wait, there is no definition of romance in Scripture.  A search of the word at Miiriam-Webster Online offers many definitions of the word including “something (as an extravagant story or account) that lacks basis in fact”.  One definition in Dictionary.com is “a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention”.  To be fair, I even checked Easton’s Bible Dictionary and the word is “not contained in the index”.  So, while in our popular culture, we use the words “love” and “romance” interchangeably, I don’t think it’s biblical to to have a romantic view of God.  I think a romantic view is a low view.  So, imagine my shock when I heard them say that “the root of holiness is Romance”.  I nearly drove off the road.  I had to scan back and listen again, just to make sure I heard correctly.  Then, when I got home, I got out the book and sure enough, there it is on page 113.  “The root of all holiness is Romance”.  Wow.  I am not even sure what to say to that.  But, God has something to say about it.   1 Peter 1:15-16 says, “but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”  God is holy.  We are only holy because He is.  It has nothing to do with romance.

Finally, the box that the authors put men and women in is insulting!  I think men and women each have masculine and feminine characteristics – just as God does.  It’s unfair to suggest that only women can extol the gentle attributes of God — mercy, grace, love, tenderness, and “fierce devotion”….and that men hold the masculine attributes — God’s justice, strength, wrath.  Certainly, men and women are separate and distinct and were created for different purposes.  But, again…this book left me feeling worse about myself as a woman than I did before!

To be clear…I realize I am probably over-analyzing the book.  And, I don’t mean to insult anyone who loved the book — I know there are MANY!  I guess I found myself disappointed after all of the hype.  But, as I reflect somewhat, I realize that had I read this book when it was first given to me, I probably would have just been confused.  I suspect I would have had the same uneasy feeling about what it was saying, but I wouldn’t have known why.  God has taught me so much in the past couple of years — I understand scripture better and I have learned to listen to the Holy Spirit more.  So, in God’s providence, I didn’t explore this book until now.  Now, I really understand that my identity is in Christ alone…and not how any book, other than the Bible, tells me I am or should be.

Ohhhh…something shiny…..

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That’s pretty much how I live my life.  There are so many unfinished projects around my house.  Some days are better than others.  Lloyd will know that I’ve had a chaotic day when he comes home and there are clothes folded on the couch, a half-empty diswasher and the TV is still on in the bedroom even though I haven’t been in there all day.  I am so easily distracted.  I’ll be in the middle of something and suddenly….something shiny…and I abandon what I’m doing for something else. 

So, I have decided that I need to get control of my house.  By this, I mean that I don’t want to have to freak out cleaning every time somebody is coming over to visit.  I also don’t want to be frantically running around the house at 5 o’clock trying to make it look like I’ve done something today.  This is a joke because it’s usually the days that I am more busy that my house is more disasterous, so I don’t know what’s going on there.  I know that daily maintenance will make it easier – I tend to try to tackle it all at one time and then I get overwhelmed and just give up. 

So today…I will shine my sink.  Now, this isn’t just any shine…it’s a FlyLady shine.   This is not sink shining for sissies…it’s a 12 step process, but once you do it, FlyLady promises you’ll never have to do it again.  I’ll keep you posted.

 UPDATE:

Now, there’s something shiny!  I took a “before” picture too, but it’s just too embarrassing.

 What’s more embarrassing is that I’m taking before/after pictures of my sink.

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I’m okay!

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I’m somewhat of a mother hen.  Some might call me over-protective.  I bet the question I ask Jake more than any other is “Are you okay?”…or “How are you feeling?”  Lately, I’ve noticed that any time I hear a crash from the other room, or if he coughs (or just clears his throat), he’ll yell “I’m okay!” 

I know, I know.  Anxiety won’t add a single hour to my life.  I’m working on that.

This morning he knocked his noggin on the amoire.   He looked at me and said “I’m okay, Mom”.  I said, “Are you sure?  That sounded like it hurt”.  He responded indignantly – “My brain is not broken.  I know because I’m talking”. 

Alrighty then.

The sun cannot save me

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It’s amazing how the weather affects me.  Those who suffer from SAD know exactly what I’m talking about.  The past couple of days, the sun has been shining gloriously and I’ve been filled with energy.  Today though, waking up to a gray, overcast sky made me want to just go back to bed.  I’ve still managed to be productive, but it’s been a struggle. 

In my quiet time this morning, God reminded me of Job and how he felt as though he were in the “land of gloom like thick darkness,like deep shadow without any order,where light is as thick darkness.” (Job 10:22)  To be sure, Job’s darkness was much bleaker than mine and God restored him.  Why do I think He would do any less for me?

I realize I am treating the sun like a functional savior.  If only the sun would shine or I lived in a nicer climate, my life would be perfect!  Of course that is ridiculous.  I guess I need to look beyond the glorious sunshine – to who created it – and give glory where it is due.  It is God who deserves my honor and praise – not the weatherman. 

In his second letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul reminds us that knowledge is light…and what is truly glorious is that God chose to show us who he is in the person and work of Jesus.   Sort of gives “light therapy” a whole new perspective, doesn’t it?

No, the sun cannot save me.  But, the Son can…and has. 

“he dawns on them like the morning light, like the sun shining forth on a cloudless morning, like rain that makes grass to sprout from the earth”. (2Samuel 23:4)

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P.U.S.H.ing the F.R.O.G. for Dylan

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About 9 years ago I “met” a group of expecting moms on iVillage.com.  Most of us were first time moms and used the site to navigate through our pregnancies, childbirth and raising baby.  It was so much more valuable than any parenting book I had read because these were real people, in different walks of life, all sharing a similar experience.    Amazingly , a group of us are still  hanging out together in an online world…although it is more than just a message board now….we are friends– as involved in eachother’s lives as if we lived next door to one another.  We share ups, downs, good and bad.  We fight and we make up.  We share in eachother’s joys and sorrows.  And, when a member of the community is in need, we do our best to meet it.  I have had the priviledge of praying for these women for a myriad of different things. 

Dylan was diagnosed with leukemia in January 2007.  It was devastating for all of us, as it was sadly the second child of “ours” that had battled cancer (Katie’s our other fighter, who I’ll devote another entry to at another time).  He’s been through numerous chemotherapy treatments, a bone marrow transplant (from his little brother)  and has now recieved Natural Killer Cells from his dad.  His mom updates his Caring Bridge site (see link on the sidebar) daily and I have come to greatly anticipate those updates so that I know specifically how to pray for him.  

I am amazed by Heide, Dylan’s mom.  Because I know the pain of having a sick child, I understand how hard it is to keep your chin up on a daily basis.  People look to you to know how to act – it can be an enormous burden and some days seems impossible.  Heide has wonderful quotes that she shares – which have given me great inspiration over the past year.  She has also taken on a couple of acronyms….F.R.O.G. stands for Fully Relying on God.  And, this family is….it’s amazing and uplifting to witness their faith.  The other is P.U.S.H – Pray Until Something Happens.  And, in her wonderful humor, she’s put them together and we are all Pushing the Frog.   I found this delightful picture the other day – this brave little frog, clinging to new life.  It reminds me of Dylan – and makes me smile.  Hang in there Dylan.  We love you!

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I’m much too young to feel this damn old

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37….this is the first birthday I’ve struggled with.  I’ve never had a problem getting older…in fact, to a certain degree, I have relished it, because I do believe that with age comes wisdom.  But, this year….this year, I just feel old.  We went skiing on Saturday.  It’s been 9 years since I’ve been and my body really felt it.  It’s my own fault.  I haven’t been working out or taking care of myself the way I used to (or should).  But sometimes, just thinking about getting to the gym wears me out.  This time of year is hard, too.  I’ve always sort of gotten the “winter blues”, but this year has been particularly hard.  I find that I could fall asleep at any given moment of the day, but at 3 o’clock in the morning, my mind is racing with the most ridiculous thoughts (last night, it was “Why haven’t I worn my pink jacket lately…where is that thing anyway?…” – that’s probably another subject for another day).  Clearly, my rhythm is messed up.  I mean, I’m only 37.  That is SO not old.  Why do I feel so old? 

I was reflecting on my birthday thoughts last year (see below) and it struck me how that I no longer feel like that 16 year old inside.  This last year has brought so much change to my life.  I have a whole new set of friends, new church community, new ideas (or perhaps just more defined ones) about how I should be living my life.  On the one hand, it is refreshing and exciting….I have always known that I wanted something “more”.  It’s as though I have found my people – and I no longer feel like I am crazy—there ARE people who think the way I do about the gospel – and that Jesus calls his followers to be radically different in the world – not to just show up in the pew on Sunday.  On the other hand, it’s exhausting.  Life seemed easier when all you had to do was just check that off the list.  But, it wasn’t.

The idea of living in community makes so much sense, but is contrary to my introverted nature.  I get energy from people at the same time they are sucking the life out of me.  It’s such a strange dichotomy – and one in which I’m struggling to find a harmonious place to exist.

 So anyway….for my birthday, one of my gifts was a cool, pink armband for my iPod.  Another motivation for me to get to the gym tomorrow.  I mean, we can’t let a cool, pink armband sit at home now can we?

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

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Originally posted 1/22/07

A friend of mine gave me a magnet that has that sentiment on it.  It says it’s by “anonymous”, but I’m fairly certain that Satchel Paige is credited with saying it.  My son says he would be 46, which is rather perplexing to me, but then, he does that to me quite often.

I turned 36 yesterday.  I don’t know what I thought 36 would feel like, but this ain’t it.  I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30 now and while my body probably feels closer to 36, my mind is still at 16.  Not from a maturity standpoint, but generally speaking, I feel like the exact same person I was back then.  Aging doesn’t freak me out…I’ve learned to appreciate that the years bring wisdom, but I think we tend to stereotype how people “are” at certain ages.  It really makes me wonder — if there were no numbers and people didn’t know how ‘old’ they were, would they age as quickly as they do?

With all due respect to Martin Luther King, Jr…..

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I’ve been thinking a lot about his “I have a dream” speech these past few days.  In it, he says”I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character”.

 I think that MLK, Jr. is an amazing person who changed our world.  But, I think he got it wrong here.  God has been convicting me lately that judgement of anything BY ME is not acceptable.  So, while judging by the color of skin is wrong….so is judging by content of character.  Only God really knows a person’s heart.  I say this because I’ve recently been in a tiff with somebody who I believe gossiped about someone very close to me.  I decided that what this person said showed me her character and I was not interested in being her friend anymore. And then, it hit me.  By holding her to a standard, I was raising the bar for myself.  And, I am guilty of gossip.  I have tried to reconcile my feelings by saying “But, I would NEVER have said something like that….”.  It doesn’t matter.  Gossip is gossip.  I also justified my unwillingness to forgive because I never got an apology.  Well, Jesus has something to say about that:

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins”. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Ouch.

The bottom line is, Jesus died for my sin.  Jesus also died for this person’s sins, too.  So, what right do I have to hold a grudge?

 I reached out to her and I’m not sure how it will be recieved.  But, I decided that it doesn’t matter.  My identity is not dependent on what she or her friends think of me.  The important thing is that Jesus changed my heart toward her – I no longer carry the burden of my negative feelings for her.  It could be that we are never friends again, but Jesus is to be praised in this situation!