Life

29 year old me….

/ Stephanie / 8 Comments

Today is my 41st birthday.  I love birthdays — mine and everyone else’s.  I think we should celebrate all month, instead of just one day.   Last night, I had a group of women over — not to celebrate my birthday — but just to celebrate our friendships – most of them very new.  I didn’t even really want anyone to know it was my birthday and didn’t include it on the invitation, but a couple of people knew already.  One of the women brought me a cake — It said “Happy 29th Birthday”.  I laughed and said that it was the 12th anniversary of my 29th birthday.  But, as I reflected on it a little bit, I realized that there really isn’t any part of me that wishes to be 29 again.  In fact, when I was 29 — I was at one of the lowest points in my life.  Here’s what 41 year old me has to say to 29 year old me.

Dear Stephanie,

You’re 29 today.  I know that life isn’t what you thought it would be.  28 started out so awesome.  Remember that surprise party your husband threw for you — at Oregano’s in Scottsdale?  What a great night.  You were surrounded by friends and were actually in awe of all the people that were there.  You and your friend Julie had the time of your lives — she made you laugh so hard, you nearly peed your pants.  But, that was pretty much par for the course when you were with her.  You were healthy and happy.  Sure, there were a few bumps in the road – you had decided you wanted to have a baby.  That proved to be a little harder than it seemed.  You grieved the lost pregnancies, but it finally happened — and 28 was the year you became a mother!  And, then it all seemed to crumble.  Your baby was premature and had a heart defect. Your best friend, Julie was diagnosed with lung cancer.  You begin to wonder if your marriage is going to survive the stress.  Here you are — 29 years old and wondering if the things that bring you the most joy are going to be taken from you.

I’m not going to lie.  You think it’s bad now and it’s actually going to get worse.  You will see your baby go through 2 more heart surgeries.  You will beg God not to make you bury and infant.  Just when you think things are getting better with his health, he will start having seizures.  You will lose your best friend.  You will have to leave the job you love because you just can’t do it, you have to put your family first.  Basically, 29 is going to suck.  Luckily, we don’t have crystal balls, so you don’t have to know what’s in store and you just keep swimming, just keep swimming (oh wait…that movie hasn’t come out yet.  You’ll get it eventually).

But, I’m here to tell you that it gets better.  Your marriage will not only survive — it will get stronger.  Your son, the one who is so developmentally delayed right now, is going to thrive.  You already know he’s smart.  What you don’t know is that he’s an artist.  A musician.  And, he’s funny.  He is so funny.  He’s also a lot like you.  He’s going to challenge you and frustrate you, but he’s the greatest gift you’ve ever been given.  All of this pain and  heartache is someday going to be a distant memory.  And, yes…there is going to come a day when you don’t even think about his heart defect.

Losing Julie is going to be really hard.  There won’t be a day that goes by that you don’t think of her.  And of course, you’ll never replace her in your heart, but there are going to be people who “get you” and make you laugh just as much as she did.  You haven’t even met some of the best friends you’re ever going to have.

It’s not always going to be easy.  Money will be really tight.  You’ll wonder how the bills will get paid.  But, I promise you that you’ll always be provided for.  And, there will come a time when the money won’t run out before the next paycheck comes.

Best of all, the relationships that are so strained right now?  They are going to get better.  They’ll be restored.  The resentment you feel in your heart is going to be replaced by forgiveness and love.  I know you don’t believe me now, but it will happen.  It won’t happen overnight — it will take years.  Be patient.

That heartache you feel right now over Jake?  You’ll feel it again, but in a very different way.  You’ll open your heart and love.  And you will  lose.  Your heart will break into a million pieces, but it will change you in ways you could never imagine.  It will make you a better person.

So, the years ahead aren’t going to be easy.  But, they won’t break you.  You are strong.  You will be surrounded by amazing people who love you and will lift you up when you’re in a pit.

And, when you turn 41, you’ll look around and realize that life is better than it’s ever been.

“I am lucky
to be what I am!
Thank goodness I’m not
just a clam or a ham
Or a dusty old jar of
sour gooseberry jam!
I am what I am! That’s a
great thing to be!
If I say so myself,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!”
–Dr. Suess

Beautiful Morning

/ Stephanie / 1 Comment

I have a bunch of things going through my head this morning.  The day started out on a bad note.  I woke up tired and my 12 year old was acting, well…like a 12 year old.  It boiled down to the fact that he didn’t know where his homework was and was blaming me for moving it.  I kept telling him that I was sure he had already put it in his binder, but he was more intent on arguing with me (which, according to NPR is normal and a sign that he has a bright future).  I told him that I hadn’t touched it and that when he found it in his backpack, he could apologize to me.  Well, he found it — but no apology yet.  He will later, I’m sure.  Didn’t you hate it when you realized your parents were right — when you were CERTAIN they were wrong?  I didn’t rub it in — just let him live in the tension.  I did tell him that admitting when you’re wrong is a sign of being grown up. 

Then, I spilled my breakfast shake on the front of my white shirt, 5 minutes after I should have been walking out the door.  I quickly changed (thank goodness for casual Friday) and ran out the door only to be stopped in my tracks by one of the most glorious sunrises I have ever seen. 

It was if God painted the sky just for me with a note that said:

Dear Stephanie,

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Love, the Creator of the Universe

And apparently, I’m not the only one moved by that sunrise.  My Facebook feed blew up with pictures of this spectacular display from friends all over the Mid-Atlantic. 

So, all of the other things going on in my head this morning no longer seem like much of a big deal. 

This song is perfect for a day like today…or any day.  Enjoy – it’s one of my favorites – and Good Morning.

Project 366

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Project 365 is a movement in which people exercise self-discipline by commiting to do something every day.  For many, it means they take and post a picture every day for a year.  This is a leap year, so there are actualy 366 days in the year.  I’m not promising that I’ll post a picture every day — or that I’ll even post a picture I took that day, but I will be posting more pictures because I think the saying is true — a pictures is worth a thousand words.  I have found that by looking at other people’s pictures, you begin to see the world in different ways.

This is one of my favorite pictures that I’ve ever taken.  I often joke that I’m late for work because I saw a picture that I just had to take.  This was taken on one of those days.  It was a beautiful, autumn morning.  The sun was coming up and the fog was dancing on the Potomac River.  I am standing in Georgetown Waterfront Park, looking toward Arlington, VA.

Fog on the Potomac

Resolutions

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It’s that time of year — we shake off the old and get ready for a new year.  We discuss our new year’s resolutions  — how we aspire to change or make ourselves better.  All of the athletic equipment goes on sale and health clubs have “no joining fees”.  Gym rats complain because come Monday, their “spot” will be taken by a newbie.  We resolve to get organized. 

Last year, a friend of mine said that New Year’s Resolutions are a great way to say that you aren’t good enough.  I decided to ditch the word “resolution” and call it a “commitment”.  I decided I would run a race every month in 2011.  I did great until I hurt my foot in July  — again — and just got frustrated.  And down on myself.  And feeling that I wasn’t good enough.

So, I’m here to call BS on resolutions and commitments and anything else that says “I’m not good enough”.  Instead of making commitments to lose weight, work out and get organized, etc….I think we should all look at the ways that we shine — and just resolve to do that more.  Don’t get me wrong…I think it’s fine to want to lose weight, get organized, better yourself.  But, don’t try to change who you are in pursuit of those things.  I have come to believe that until we are totally comfortable with who we are — our authentic self — then it’s nearly impossible to change the things that we want to change.

I have been asking myself some questions lately.  What do people like about me?  What do I get compliments on?  What do love doing?

People often comment on my smile.  I’m going to smile more.

People comment on my laugh.  I’m going to laugh more.

People feel welcome in my home.  And, I love having people in my home.  I’m going to have more parties.

I love to sing.  I’m going to sing more.  Not necessarily to perform.  Just around the house, in my car, wherever I am.

I love to take pictures.  My wonderful husband bought me my second Canon Rebel (because I *gasp* lost mine).  I’m going to take more pictures.  I might even take a class (well, I will take a class because I promised I would).

I love to write.  Maybe I’ll write more.  Maybe I’ll write about more things.  I don’t know and I’ve learned my lesson about making promises to update my blog on a regular basis.

I love to read.  I had forgotten that I love to read, but I do.  I might read more.

I love traveling and seeing new things.  I plan to continue to explore our new surroundings and spending quality time with my family.

I love to be spontaneous.  To just wake up in the morning and say, “hey, let’s go do this…”.  I love to be able to just invite people over at the last minute.  I want to do that more.

That’s a start.  I’m under no pressure to be something I’m not.  I’m just setting the bar higher on the things I love to do anyway.  Call it being more intentional.  If it has to be a resolution, it’s this simple:  I’m going to be the best me I can be. 

Happy New Year. 

Ronderful Rismastime!

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Driving in the car this weekend, we were listening to the local 24 hour Christmas station. “Blue Christmas” came on and my son asked us to turn the channel. Upon being questioned as to why in the world he didn’t like Elvis, he replied: “Because he sounds like a mixture of Paul McCartney and Scooby Doo”.

Maybe it was funnier in person, but that is Life According to Jake.

December 16

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This day has been significant throughout my life for a couple of reasons. First, it is the day my sister was born. She was my first sibling and I was 9 years old, so it was something I remember very clearly and was a special and exciting day. My life would never be the same (in a good way, of course). Happy Birthday, Sis.

Eleven years later, this date brought another life changing event. I had been doing a work study job at The Daily Evergreen. I answered phones, took classified ads and did various odd jobs around the main office. I got to know several people at the newspaper and even had gone to high school with one of them, so I was friendly with several of the staff members. But there was this one really cute guy that would walk by, and as big as I smiled at him, he never once paid attention to me. I also was an avid reader of the opinion column. A couple of people contributed to it that I really enjoyed reading. There was one person in particular that I found myself agreeing with all the time and thinking, “I really wish I knew this person”. Then one day, the cute guy came to check out a camera from the front desk. The office manager was talking to him and as he walked away, she said, “Thanks, Lloyd”. My head snapped around. That was him. The guy that I had so enjoyed reading in the newspaper was the same cute guy that I watched walk by my desk every day.

After that, I started really going out of my way to get his attention. Looking back, it was a little stalker-ish. The newspaper recieved a great many promotional CD’s for review and we had an auction one day. I didn’t care a bit about the auction, but decided to start bidding on all of the CD’s that he was bidding on. There was one in particular, Lloyd Cole that he kept bidding on. We were the only two bidding and eventually I ended up winning the CD. My plan was to strike up a conversation with him about it. That never really panned out. Ironically enough, the title of that CD is “Don’t Get Weird on me Babe” (which by the way, is a brilliant album that was probably a few years ahead of its time).

After that didn’t work, I just got bold. I figured out which bus he took and I would sit next to him (he never noticed). Instead of just smiling at him when he walked by, I just said a very enthusiast “hi!”. I’m sure he thought I was crazy. Finally, we started to have short conversations. One day, I woke up and got really cute for class. My roommate asked me why and I told her that this was the day Lloyd was going to ask me out. She looked at me with a little bit of skeptisim (okay, a lot…) and said, “Oh, the guy who doesn’t really know who you are?” Yeah. That’s him. “Okay”, she said…..”well, you look cute”.

When I got to work, he came by to check his mailbox. I noticed that he had taken a couple of basketball tickets out of his box. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “HI!!!!”
Him: “uh, hi….”
Me: “What are you doing tonight”?
Him: “uh….I’m going to a basketball game and then I have band practice”
Me: “Oh that is SO COOL. I haven’t been to a basketball game yet this year!!!!!!!!”
Him: Looking at the tickets….”uh….do you want to come?”
Me: “Well, let me call my roommate — we had plans tonight but I’m sure she won’t mind…”

Remember how I said he probably thought I was crazy? Well, he may have been on to something.

So, we went to the game. Afterward, we went to the Combine for coffee (which he made me pay for myself). We talked about things that never should have been talked about on a first “date” (religion, politics, etc). And, then I took him to band practice and went home. On the surface, it was largely uneventful. But, when I walked in the door, I told my roommate that I’d found the man I was going to marry. She asked me to please let my boyfriend know because he wouldn’t stop calling every 10 minutes. Oh yeah….I had forgotten about him. I had also forgotten to call my sister on her birthday.

It was another few months before we actually officially started dating. But, I always knew he was the one. Twenty years later, I still know it. He’s my best friend, my partner, my soul mate.

Oh, and we still have that Lloyd Cole CD.

Attitude of Gratitude – Day 15

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A few days ago, on Veteran’s Day, I pulled out a picture of my grandfather.  It was taken when he was just 18 or 19 years old.  I’ve always loved it.  He was always so special to me.  He’s been gone 19 years and I still miss him every day.

 
Over the years, people have always said how much Jake looks like Lloyd.  And, he certainly does.  But, there are traits that I’ve often wondered where they came from.  His lips and mouth, for one.  And his eyelids are not like either one of ours either.  Then, the other day, when I was looking at the picture of my grandfather, it hit me..Jake looks like him in many ways
 
William “Franklin” Wallace
William “Jacob” Brown
 
 
Not the best picture of Jake, but I was trying to get one where he’s not smiling huge, like he usually does.  And you can’t see how blue Jake’s eyes are in this picture. I don’t look anything like my grandfather.  Maybe it’s cheesy, but I’m thankful that Jake has Wallace traits.  

Attitude of Gratitude – Days 9-13

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I have missed a few days of posting, but not from being grateful.  I made special note each day of what I wanted to make sure I expressed gratitude for:

Day 9:  The plans I originally had for Wednesday night fell through and Lloyd was out of town.  So, I took the opportunity to invite a friend over for dinner.  Her son is a friend of Jake’s.  She and I met a few months ago during the 5th grade field trip and instantly connected.  We had a nice evening just chatting and enjoying one another’s company.  I’m grateful for the opportunity to be spontaneous and make new friends. 

Day 10 – I spent a lot of time (years, really) being anxious about middle school.  I don’t know what I was worried about because Jake is absolutely thriving.  Conferences were on Thursday and while I am very grateful for his report card and that he got on the honor roll.  He’s obviously not perfect though and he has some areas that definitely need work.  But boiled down to one sentence, the feedback I received was that:  He’s a confident, self-advocate who is hard-working, respectful and enthusiastic.  I couldn’t really ask for more.  Many will say that it’s a reflection of good parenting.  But, the truth is that we couldn’t do it alone.  We really believe it takes a village and we are grateful for the friends, family, teachers and other influential adults that have taken an interest in Jake over the years.  I think you know who you are, so thank you for making a difference in his life.  And ours.

Day 11 – Friday was a near perfect day.  Lloyd has traveled a lot this year.  In fact, I figured it out and he’s been gone about 20% of the time this year.  He came back from his last scheduled business trip of the year on Thursday night and Friday was a holiday.  We were able to have a restful day, with no real obligations. The icing on the cake was having his cousins over for dinner, one of whom he hadn’t seen in 30 years.  We are so grateful to have been able to connect with long lost family members over the last couple of years.  They have added richness to our lives.

Day 12 – We are grateful for the new friends we’ve made here in DC.  We had some friends over for dinner on Saturday night.  It’s amazing to think that we didn’t even know these people a year ago and yet now, we cannot imagine them not being part of our lives.

Day 13 – We all woke up feeling under the weather on Sunday.  Even though I spent a good part of the day sleeping — and I was not able to do the things I wanted to do, I am grateful that overall, we are all healthy.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure if that would ever be our reality — but it is and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Attitude of Gratitude – Day 8

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Jake takes piano lessons at the Levine School of Music which has classrooms at the Music Center at Strathmore.  It is a beautiful facility that attracts wonderful acts and upscale audiences.  Normally, Jake’s lesson is at 4pm on Mondays but this week, we had to rearrange the schedule, so his lesson was tonight at 7:30.  My plan was to drop him off and sit in the car and do some work in the car while I waited.

 
Turns out there was an event at the Music Center.  The normal drop off area was blocked off for valet parking.  They let me drop off there, but I couldn’t wait like I normally do.  I  had to circle around until I could find a parking spot.  This meant I had to walk and go into the Center with all of the people who were dressed to the nines to see a classical pianist.
 
Not the best day for me to wear yoga pants and slippers to piano lessons.  
 
Today, I’m thankful that I have a sense of humor.