grace | Adventures of A Wild Pixie

As you can see with my other posts this past week, I’ve been rather pre-occupied with personal things. However, my brain has been working overtime on some other issues as well and I just can’t keep them in any longer.

It’s January and January always brings intense debates about abortion. This post is not intended to address the political aspects of the debate and honestly, I’m not even interested in talking about or debating my views on the subject. What I am interested in is talking about the Christian perspective.

That being said, buckle your seat belts because unless you know me really well, this may turn out to be different than what you might be expecting.

I was listening to a well-known and influential pastor* a few weeks ago and somehow he started talking about abortion and how it is murder and that in the eyes of God, if you have had an abortion you are no better than the guy who shot up the elementary in Newtown, CT. I had to stop what I was doing and replay it to make sure that was really what I was hearing. It was. In the end, it bothered me so much that I stopped listening and went on to delete my subscription to this particular pastor’s sermons. To be fair though, it wasn’t because of this one instance…there have been many things leading up to this action on my part.

As the weeks went on, it bothered me more and more. I started getting emails from other well-known and influential pastors whom I follow who were also writing about the subject. I ended up reading a blog post, written by a woman who attended one of the aforementioned pastor’s churches. Essentially, she said that if we were bothered by his words, we need to ask ourselves why and address that. So, I did that (asked myself why) and this is me addressing it.

Several years ago, I read Phillip Yancey’s book, “What’s so Amazing about Grace?” I was rocked by the opening chapter in which Yancey tells a story of a prostitute whom he invited to church. Her response was, “Church! Why would I ever go there? I was already feeling terrible about myself. They’d just make me feel worse.” (pg 11). Instead of church being a welcoming and forgiving place, this woman (who had done such unspeakable things that I cannot even write about them) would not even consider darkening the doorway. Let’s be clear…I know that as Christians, we are not to gloss over sin and condemning it is not categorically a bad thing. And, I also am aware of the simplicity of Yancey’s arguments from a theological standpoint. But, unless and until we (as believing Christians) recognize and accept that not one of us is worthy in the eyes of God, we have no right to call someone else out as a murderer (for more on this, see Matthew 7). If I, as a self-proclaimed Christian, who believes in the healing blood of Jesus was offended enough to turn the voice of that pastor off, then what about the person who has no concept of what Jesus dying on the cross means for their life? The consequences of those words could be eternal, in my opinion.

So, that is the “why”. It bothers me, not because people have strong opinions about abortion — or even what those opinions are, but because they allow it to become a potential stumbling block for others. Hear me on this: I do not think it’s bad to have an opinion on the subject. Nor do I think we should remain silent on the issue. My point is this: our words are powerful. We must be careful in how we present the gospel to somebody who doesn’t understand it. Instead of focusing on the sin, focus on He who died for the sin and the hope that each and every one of us has because of that tremendous sacrifice. Not one of us has led a sinless life — and as far as I can tell, God abhors all sin, so we all are in need of grace. Grace, for as simple as the definition is (undeserving favor), is extremely complex. Not only do people not understand it, they have a hard time accepting it because we live in a culture that values earning everything we have. And, I think it’s harder to extend grace for the same reasons. But, we should extend grace because it has been extended to us….every single day for reasons that we may not even think we need it.

Several years ago, I started praying that God would break my heart for the things that break His. (Side note: be careful if you decide to pray this. God will answer it and you will be heartbroken all the time). And, my heart is broken now. Not only for those who may have heard that message and who now want nothing to do with seeking Jesus but for those who are now second guessing Jesus — and also for the grace that I can’t seem to muster for the person who said it. I can’t help but think that when we get into these kinds of debates and start using hateful language (even if it’s only inside our own heads) that we are getting it all wrong. And, I have this vision of God shaking his head and saying “That’s not what I meant….”.

Finally, as I’ve been writing this, I’m increasingly aware that this isn’t just about abortion. It’s about all of the ways that we judge others and all of the litmus tests that we place on people who call themselves Christians (or don’t). I heard a woman recently talk about how her church family has hurt her more than anyone with regard to a personal issue. I think it’s because we expect more from our church family. We expect more from people who claim to follow Christ. And, when you expect more, you hurt more when those people let you down. But the real truth is that everyone is going to let you down because not one of us is perfect. Only Jesus is perfect. So, it makes sense to me that we should focus on the plank in our own eye and the Great Commandment that Jesus gave us:

³⁴But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. ³⁵And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. ³⁶“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” ³⁷And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸This is the great and first commandment. ³⁹And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Matthew 22:34-40

Love God. Love People. Not just love people, but love them as yourself. Have you ever thought about the high pedestal we tend to put ourselves on? We are to love people THAT much. Such a simple and yet incredibly difficult commandment. People are difficult to love when they make decisions that are contrary to your beliefs that you are so committed to! So, when you can’t love people, it’s time to focus on loving God and remember that He loves us despite how difficult we are. Miraculous things will begin to happen — you begin to love people, not because they are lovable but because if you truly love God, you love the people He loves. Even when you don’t want to.

*Pastor’s name is not included because I don’t want this post or discussion to be about him or for this post to be searchable based on his name because I don’t really think that is the point.

Anyone who’s a mother knows that when we publicly proclaim that we have earned the “mother-of-the-year” award, it’s likely that we have experienced an epic parenting fail. And, let’s face it, we’re looking for some commiseration. (Wow. Commiseration really is a word…I wasn’t sure. Either that or the auto-correct gods are mocking me for trying to use big words.) Anyway…it makes us feel better when others tell us how they’ve done something similar…or worse. The truth is that most of the time, it’s usually nothing that is going to land our kids in therapy. Most of us don’t post those things on Facebook.

At the end of the school year, my 12 year old had a culminating project in his Reading class. It was one of those projects that just seemed doomed from the start. He was in the middle of rehearsals for two different plays and worked really hard to get a head start on it. I was proud of him for having the foresight to get ahead of it. Then, he lost the folder that contained all of his research and drafts. Incidentally, this portion of the project carried the most weight in his final grade. I encouraged him to talk to his teacher and see what could be done. This particular teacher is not especially gracious and they had a rocky start to the year. He’d eventually won her over though and I know that she was aware that he was doing to the required work. She agreed to let him stay after school to recreate the folder, which he did for several days. He learned an important lesson around it all though — and that is that relationships are important. Sometimes they are the most important when it comes to things like this. I had tried to impress that upon him when he was having trouble getting along with this teacher. It ended up being a blessing that this had happened because he was able to see it all play out. Well, then came the day to turn everything in. It was a Friday. He was finished with it and was so happy to finally be getting this thing out of his head. He’d been wearing the jump-drive around his neck for days so that it wouldn’t get lost.

I dropped him off at school and headed to work. I was the second one there and I remarked to my co-worker that I always have such high hopes for Fridays, but they rarely end up going the way I expect them to because inevitably something random comes up that I have to deal with. Just then, the phone rang. It was Jake. He was in tears because he’d left his jump drive at home. I wrote a quick email to my boss, telling him what happened and that I’d be back in an hour. I quipped that they could leave the Mother of the Year award on my desk. And when I got back, there actually was one on my desk.

Some people said that they wouldn’t have done it and that this was an important lesson for him to learn. Lucky for him, those people aren’t his mother. I knew how hard he’d worked. I knew how devastated he was. I knew that he was sorry. Now was not the time to rub it in. His grade depended on it and sometimes I think we just need to extend a little grace. Although I did put a note in the envelope that read “Not Happy”, which kind of negates the grace thing, but I felt like he needed to know that this was a huge inconvenience to me. I never once have held it over his head, but I do remind him regularly how important it is for him to be responsible, especially now that he’s almost…ahem….a teenager. Mom isn’t always going to be there to bail him out.

These past two weeks, he’s taken part in a Counselor in Training program at the YMCA. He’s been working with kindergartners. He has always loved little kids and they love him too. He’s just got a way with them. One of the things that is nice about the program is that he earns Student Service Learning (SSL) hours, which are required for graduation in Maryland. He has to have 75 to graduate and students can start earning them in 6th grade. There is a special award for kids who have earned all of them while still in middle school and that’s a goal of his. The hours he put in the last two weeks were going to get him really close to that goal.

As I was driving him to camp, I asked him if they were going to get the SSL forms today. The blood drained out of his face as he remembered that he was supposed to print it out and fill it out to turn in today. He begged me to go home and get it. He could fill it out on the way back.

As hard as it was for me to do, I said no. I reminded him that he came home from camp yesterday and basically did nothing but work on his fantasy football team and watch baseball all evening– which is fine. It’s summer. But, he knew that he had a responsibility. And, I know that he genuinely forgot (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree), but this was an instance where I wasn’t going to bail him out. I told him he had to figure it out. He needed to talk to his counselor and figure out what his options are. He may miss out on those SSL hours. It’s not the end of the world if he does. There will be other opportunities to earn them. I told him that I did my part — I signed him up for the camp, I paid for it and I got him there on time every day. That was the extent of my responsibility. He was mad. He wouldn’t look at me when he got out of the car. He didn’t tell me that he loved me back and slammed the door without saying goodbye. It’s okay. He can be mad. I know he’s more mad at himself.

I wanted to rescue him. My instinct was to rescue him. But, that doesn’t teach him anything. Sometimes, my job is to rescue him but at the end of the day, parenting is really about giving our kids the tools they need to rescue themselves. Days like today are when the rubber meets the road. And, I look forward to finding out how he went about dealing with it when I pick him up today.

On a somewhat related note, right before this happened, Jake was telling me about how he was being peer pressured to chew gum. He has braces now and knows that gum is off limits. One of the things about having a kid with a black and white personality is that they usually will follow the rules, if someone else lays them out. He told me that he knew I was serious by the “evil eye” I gave him when I told him that if he breaks anything because he’s eaten something he wasn’t supposed to, he will pay for the repair. And, since he has no money, he’ll have to do it by doing the grossest chores I can come up with. Then, he went on to say, “Don’t tell Dad, but I’m more afraid of you than him”. He said it is because of the “look”. I said, “surely your Dad has an evil eye, too”. He replied, “Well, if he does have an evil eye, I’ve never seen it”. I realized that when we got on the discussion of the SSL form, I was giving him that “look”, which he describes as wide eyed, eyebrows raised and serious. I think it would scare me too.

So I think sometimes, we really do earn “Mother of the Year” (or at least, Mother of the Day) and my sense is that it isn’t always pleasant for anyone involved.