August 24, 2008.  I had my world rocked yesterday.  I blogged about it, but just not ready to have all the world see it.  Then, I read the entries here.  So serious.  A little pretentious.  Who the hell am I?  Who am I trying to be?  My husband actually noticed that I smiled the other day.  How sad is that – that I smile so little that he actually notices — and COMMENTS — on the fact that I smiled?  And yesterday, I got out a cookbook for the first time in –well, a long time — and he said it was nice to have a real dinner.  Ugh.  I’ve been beating myself up over all the weight I’ve gained.  If I spent a fraction of the time I spend thinking about how unhappy I am with my body actually DOING something about it, I would be skinny.  I have these grand ideas about how I will work out everyday…I have the time…I have a membership at the Y.  But, I have all of these excuses about why I don’t go.  The most ridiculous one?  I’m too fat.  I will go to the Y when I have lost weight so people don’t see me fat.  How messed up is that?  But, this one takes the cake….I realized the other day that comcast has workouts “on demand”.  JACKPOT!  I can work out at home without getting bored with the same old workouts (and get in shape before I go to the Y).  What did I do?  Sat on the couch and watched an entire workout to see how hard it was.  AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH.  If the 27 year old me saw the 37 year old me, she would think she was pathetic.  She IS pathetic.  And starting today, I am going to do something about it.   My goal today is to smile at my husband when he comes home.  Because he really is a great husband.  He loves me no matter how crazy I am, no matter how much I weigh and he just wants to make me happy.  He needs to know that he does make me happy.