Author: Stephanie

Nothing seems appropriate

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There is no appropriate title for this post.

Dylan is coming to the end of his journey.  I knew this day would come – but there is no way to prepare for the death of a child. He’s 8.  He’s not supposed to die.  He’s supposed to be running around with endless energy driving his mother crazy.  It makes me sad and angry.  And, I can’t stand hearing people try to explain it away.  I know they mean well, but it doesn’t make anyone feel any better to hear “It’s God’s plan”.  Yes, I believe that God works everything out for his good purposes (Romans 8:28), but I don’t picture God sitting in heaven deciding that he’s going to break a mother’s heart.  No.  I believe that God is grieving, too.

I wish I had something eloquent to say.  But really, it just sucks.

Please pray that Dylan and his family will have a peace that passes all understanding.

Truth is stanger than fiction….

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A few days ago, we hooked up with some friends that we haven’t seen in a while.  They have a 3 year old little girl who I always think looks like me when I was her age.  It’s a strange thing to even think – and it’s even stanger to actually say out loud.  But, somehow it managed to come up in conversation without sounding stalkerish.  My friend mentioned that she’d like to see a picture, so I sent her one that I just happened to have scanned into my computer.  I ended up sending it to my dad as well, and he responded that I looked very dismayed.  He followed up with this:

I still remember you in Rangoon taking all the pots out of the cupboard and banging them on the concrete floor. Mong Ni, the cook, looked dismayed. But, he let you do it as long as you wanted. I think he was deaf.

When I was born, my father lived in Rangoon, Burma (also known as Myanmar) working for Hughes Helicopters, who provided the black silent helicopter -Hughes 500P for Air America.  (Incidentally, you can read a fascinating blog about the helicopters here). When I was six weeks old, my mother and I moved over there to be with him.   We had a cook, a nanny, a housekeeper, groundskeeper, etc.  To hear my dad talk about it, we were treated like royalty by the locals – and it’s probably an accurate account given the socio-economics of the region.  

I know I lived there.  There are pictures that prove it and the occasional story that my dad will tell – like the one in the email this morning.  But, I was too young to remember, so it’s as if I am hearing about somebody else’s life.  But, sometimes I think that the experience must have had an impact on who I am.  Perhaps it’s the reason why I have always wanted to travel the world — and why I have always been fascinated by other cultures.  And, maybe my dad’s involvement in Air America has some bearing on why some would characterize me as a bleeding heart liberal.  Maybe.  But, probably not.  It’s more likely that I just romanticize it because I think it is a very cool part of my story. 

My mother and I eventually left Burma and my parents divorced.  There is a story behind why, but if I told you, I’d probably have to kill you.  You can fill that part of the story in yourself……although the truth is probably much stranger than anything you might come up with.  Have fun with it though – and I’d love to hear your theory. 

Anyway, all of that because I met a little girl who I thought looked a little like me when I was a baby. 

 “Dismayed”

 

Questions for God

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I often joke that I have a list of questions for God.  It consists of those things that we, as broken humans, can’t possibly understand.  I picture myself standing at the throne of God with my list – but then I realize that when I’m standing at the throne of God, none of it is going to matter anymore.  I will already understand – and won’t care anyway.  But, there are days where that knowledge just doesn’t make me feel much better.  Today is one of those days.

 I blogged a while ago about Dylan – the little 8 year old friend of ours who has leukemia.  In the past 15 months, he has been through 8 rounds of chemo, a bone marrow transplant, a natural killer cell transplant and an experimental drug that they had hoped would allow him to have another BMT – none of it worked to cure him…but it has extended his life, to be sure.  His parents have made the excruciating decision to bring him home from the hospital under hospice care.   Dylan is going to die.  It’s impossible to imagine.

 It’s times like this that people wonder how a good God can allow these things to happen.  Of course, I will never be able to answer that in this lifetime, but I pray that I have words that will glorify God and give comfort to those seeking answers. 

This morning God reminded me of a study I did of the book of Daniel last summer.  In Daniel Chapter 3, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego were sent to the fiery furnace as a result of their unwillingness to bow down and worship a 90 foot tall golden idol that King Nebudchadnezzar had erected in his own honor.  The lesson is that as the three men entered the fiery furnace, they were faced with three scenarios – these are of course the same scenarios the people of God today deal with when we face fiery trials.

Scenario 1: We can be delivered from the fire. In the case of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego, God could intervene and perform a miracle to deliver them from the fire. When God delivers us from fiery trials, our faith is built.

Scenario 2: We can be delivered through the fire. Sometimes, God allows us to experience the fire in order to refine us and build us into His character. In John 11, Jesus spoke of Lazarus’ sickness (and impending death) in this way: “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it” (John 11:4). He knew that the experience of the trial would strengthen the faith of those who would witness his miraculous raising of Lazarus from the dead, and God would be glorified. I Peter 1:6-7 illustrates Scenario 2 this way: “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” When God delivers us through the fire, our faith is refined.

Scenario 3: We can be delivered by the fire into His arms. This one may be hard for us to imagine, but sometimes God’s people suffer fiery trials and are delivered into God’s arms. Life on earth is fleeting and vaporous – as humans, we tend to put a stranglehold on our earthly lives, but Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego were willing to die rather than worship a false idol, because they knew that “to live is Christ, to die is gain.” James 1:12 gives this promise: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.” When God delivers us by the fire into His arms, our faith is perfected and made complete.

My prayers for Dylan have evolved and changed through the last 15 months.  They have moved from praying that he would be delivered from the fire, to praying that he would be delivered through the fire.  And, now….as inconcievable as it seems, I am praying that he will deliver him into the arms of our loving God.  That’s not to say that I don’t believe there won’t or can’t be a miracle.  I most certainly do!  And, I know God can do it.  I pray that if it is His will, it will be done. 

Back to the story…..After ordering the furnace to be heated seven times hotter than normal, King Nebudchadnezzar ordered the three men to be bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. And the story ends….the three men survive the furnace (although the guards who throw them in do not!) and are joined in the fire by a fourth man who “looks like a son of the gods” (Dan. 3:25, NIV). Now, I have to share something I learned in this study because it is too cool not to share. The original language in Dan. 3:25 translated “sons of the gods” (NIV) means “son of deity.” The King James Version (KJV) translates the word “son of God.” Any time in Scripture there is a visual manifestation of God, it is always Jesus Christ. Indeed, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego may have been joined in the fire by a preincarnate Christ – how awesome is that! (And how important a lesson for us – God does not abandon us in times of fiery trials – He is right there with us!)

As I reflect on Dylan’s story, I see that his family’s faith has been built and refined through this horrifying experience.   But, I know that God has been there with them through it all.  And, I believe that God is crying with them as they travel this path.  It’s impossible to explain to people why bad things happen – and yet….if you look hard, it is possible to find God in all situations.  And, I pray that those who love Dylan will be delivered from the fire to a greater faith in God. 

Do as I say, not as I do…..

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I got mad at a friend last week.  She’s not a really good friend…or even one I’ve known that long – but the potential is there.  She pissed me off – she didn’t mean to, I’m sure, but she did. I’d tell you the story, but it’s really too long and conveluted. The point is that this is usually the point in a friendship when I just decide it’s not worth the frustration and “I’m done with you”. But, then I remembered my talk with Jake yesterday – is tetherball worth losing a friendship over? Well, this is kind of that same thing. I hate when that happens. My own words come back to haunt me…..”sometimes you have to be humble instead of right”. If it wasn’t right there in black and white, I would deny that I said it.  Ugh.

I think the problem is that I tend to expect a lot from people. I know it’s not fair – not everyone is like me.  And then I get to thinking that when I set the bar that high for somebody else, I set it that high for myself.  Yikes.  Can I even live up to my own expectations?

To top it all off, I’m studying Matthew right now.  We are in Chapter 23, where Jesus is denouncing the religious leaders of his day.  Verse 3 nearly jumped off the page and smacked me in the head.

“so practice and observe whatever they tell you— but not what they do.  For they preach, but do not practice.” – Matthew 23:3, English Standard Version.

So, I guess God is trying to teach me something right now. 

*Note:  As I was writing this, the Today Show was on in the background.  They were talking about emotions and how they only last for 8 seconds, anything after that is because you want it to be that way.   <sigh>

Funny things kids say….continued

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After school today, Jake was telling me about an argument he got in with his friend over a tetherball game.  Jake was accused of cheating, which he insists he did not do.  I asked him if tetherball was worth getting into a fight with a good friend.  He said no.  So, I told him that sometimes it’s better to be humble than be right.  He emphatically disagreed with me.  I told him that I thought Jesus would agree with me. 

After a pregnant pause, he said “I think the Bible needs a new chapter”.

I reminded him that the Bible is complete, but I’m thinking I might let him go ahead and write down what he has to say.   I’ll keep you posted. 

15 years ago today…

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Lloyd and I ran off to Lake Tahoe and got married.  It’s one of those sweet, adventurous stories that make people think we are cooler than we actually are.  I was looking back on what I wrote a year ago today, which pretty much sums it up:

March 13, 2007

14 years ago today a VERY young couple thought that it would be a good idea to run off and get married. I was living in San Francisco and moving back to Seattle. Lloyd had flown down to drive back to Seattle with me. When he got off the plane he said “Let’s go get married”…so we did. We only told my cousin Amy (really more of a safety issue than anything which is ironic given our impetuous nature).  After stopping in Sacramento for clothes (Lloyd only had the clothes on his back), we made our way to South Lake Tahoe where we found a little wedding chapel that fit our miniscule budget.  It wasn’t a dream wedding by most people’s standards, but I wouldn’t change anything.  And, I can’t say that it’s been bliss every single day, but we have lasted a lot longer than the critics said we would (although you can’t blame my parents for being a bit blown away when I called them from a payphone in Medford, Oregon. It was raining so hard, they could barely hear me).

Lloyd gave me the prettiest heart necklace this morning. When I opened it, I just started to laugh. He asked me why and I just said “We thought it was a good idea to get married!” lol  In retrospect, it wasn’t the smartest idea at the time, but it’s turned out to the be best idea we’ve ever had.. God has truly blessed us – as I was made so aware of this morning as our little boy played the Wedding March on the piano for us. 

Life is good.

Today, I can look back on the last year and see that God is constantly reminding me that I have a wonderful, loving, faithful husband who is truly my best friend.  All around me are stories of people who have struggled in their marriage.  The one that rocks my world the most is the recent divorce of my aunt and uncle…who are like parents to me.  Yes, there have been times when we have struggled….and it’s not always been a honeymoon.  But, God is truly the center of our relationship.  He brought us together at the perfect time and the perfect place.  And, it was a complete surprise.  You see, I never dreamed of getting married and having kids.  My dream was to travel the world, meet lots of interesting people but not get too close to anybody. 

Recently, I playfully asked Lloyd if he ever expected to be married the rest of his life.  His response?  “Yes, just not to the same person”.  And, while he said it with a smile in his eyes, it was the truth.  Neither one of us had any examples of marriage working out that well.  But, God has made it abundantly clear that we are meant to be together….to live this life that He planned for us and raise the child that He wanted us to have. 

I still dream of running off to rent bicycles on the beach in Key West….but only with Lloyd by my side.

Current mood: grateful

Take Down!

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Jake came home a couple of weeks ago with a flyer from school about wrestling camp.  Wrestling.  For 2nd graders.  Actually, it is for 2nd-5th graders.  I couldn’t believe that he wanted to do it.  I was even more dumbfounded when I agreed to to.

They’ve had 3 practices so far and tonight, I laughed harder than I have in a long time.  Belly laughs that made my stomach hurt.  My 43 pound son, the smallest in the room, was having a fantastic time.  He even managed to take down his opponent in one round.

Jake thinks that wrestling will help him be a better tetherball player. And, today he informed me that he prevailed in all three tetherball games he played.  I’m not sure it has much to do with wrestling, but if he thinks so, I’m not going to burst his bubble.

wrestling.jpg

Funny things kids say

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Kids say the funniest things, don’t they?  Several of my friends have 2-3 year olds who are just starting to talk and express themselves.  They crack me up!  I have been meaning to write down some of the things Jake has said to me lately and decided to just put it here.

 Cuddling on the couch one day:

Me:  Jake, what I am I going to do when you don’t want to cuddle with me anymore?

J:  Mom, I will always want to cuddle with you…..

10 second pause

J:  Except when my wife is looking. 

Apparently, we’ve taught him well.

This past weekend, we were unloading a bunch of stuff at Goodwill.

J:  We used to go to Goodwill a lot, Mom.

Me:  I know.  We didn’t have very much money so we shopped at Goodwill more than we do now.

J:  And now, we just have a lot of stuff.

Profound.

Promises

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rainbow.jpg

Rainbows stop me in my tracks.  Once I have spotted one, I cannot take my eyes off of it until it has disappeared.  I love the visual reminder that God always keeps His promises.  God made a covenant with Noah that he would never again destroy all life with a flood.  And in his loving providence, he gave us a beautiful reminder of that promise.  But, to me – it’s so much more than a promise to never again destroy the earth by a flood.  To me, it’s a reminder that God is in complete control, paying attention to every detail and taking care of his Creation.  It’s as if God is saying “I’m here.  I’m always here – even when you forget, or worse yet – you think I’ve abandoned you.  I care about what is worrying you right now and I want you to know that I’m here to comfort you”.

 Yesterday, I was fretting over all that I wanted to accomplish this weekend.  I’m struggling to get organized as we prepare to put our house on the market.  We have felt God’s call for us to make this move…although we have no idea where we will end up.  I am excited to see what he has in store for us, but I find myself worrying about things that I know I have no control over (as if I have control over anything).  I begin to question whether or not we are really doing what God wants us to do – “God are you really there?  Is this really what you want?  Are we in your will or trying to be in control?”  And, then I walked outside to get something from my car (which I have decided is really more like my purse – everthing is in it and I can never find anything) and God stopped me in my tracks.  A double rainbow was painted across the sky.  It was so beautiful that I ran in the house to get my camera and decided to see what it looked like from the back yard.  To my delight, I could see the entire arc, unobstructed by trees or clouds.  And from where I stood, it appeared as if my house was at the end of the rainbow.  Yes, God is here.  He is taking care of all the details and he knew that I needed a visual reminder of it at that moment. 

Valentine’s Day – Bah Humbug!

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Today somebody asked me what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day.  She was sincere and serious and genuinely interested in knowing how we were going to mark the occasion.  What occasion????  I know, I know.  This is the day that we are supposed to express our love by sending Valentine’s cards, offering candy or presenting flowers to our significant other.  I just can’t help but wonder why on earth we put ourselves through this exercise. 

 I know I’m not the only one who detests Valentine’s Day.   It’s not necessarily because I think it’s a sappy, nauseating holiday (although I do think that).  I am not one of those “love sucks” kind of people and I’m not anti-romance.  But, I don’t think you can manufacture romance.  Romance (to me) is my husband bringing home flowers just because he knows I had a hard day — or better yet, for no reason at all, except that he loves me.   This year, my husband brought home flowers one day which I thought was incredibly sweet – and I realized later (like…days later) that he was actually remembering the date that he asked me to marry him (which incidentally is December 7th – and if you think that’s ironically humorous, you get me a little bit).  Spontaneous expressions of adoration…that’s what I’m looking for – not a date on a calendar that says we are supposed to get a babysitter, go out to dinner and have a perfect date.  Because when does that actually happen?  In my experience, it’s usually when we least expect it – because when we expect it, it can’t possibly measure up.  

And, another thing….don’t those of us who are in a relationship already have dates in which we commemorate their love for one another?  We all have varying anniversary dates – first date, first kiss, wedding, etc.  Why add another non-sensical date to the list (unless of course any of those things actually took place on Valentine’s Day)? 

In the end, I think that a day like Valentine’s Day sets those of us who are in relationships up for disappointment.  And, for those not in relationships, it acts as a reminder of that fact. 

So, this Valentine’s Day, we’ll probably be doing what we always do on Thursday nights….watching Lost.