I’ve spent the last 7 months bloggin about Maddy and our life with her.  Well, 6 months….I haven’t been able to update much lately.  Mostly because we don’t see her that often and there isn’t enough to say about her to update regularly.  I have a lot of emotions that I’ve been working through though – but it hardly seems the appropriate place to air it all.  Maybe it is….but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to do it. 

I think I must be going through some kind of mid-life crisis. Lately, I’ve been thinking about my life and the past 10 years especially. Jake has brought incredible joy to my life. He is an amazing kid and I feel honored and blessed that God saw fit for me to be his mother. But, in all of that, I feel like a part of me has gotten lost. His health issues made it necessary to make drastic changes to my life. I’ve been working from home — which is an incredible blessing. I have a job I’m good at, working for a company that trusts me enough to work remotely and I get paid well. Plus, I pretty much make my own schedule. Believe me….it’s not lost on me how incredibly fortunate I am. But, I look around at people who are doing amazing things and making a real difference in the world and it makes my life seem so ordinary.  I want to do something that matters to people – and let’s face it:  buying media isn’t going to leave a legacy.   Nobody is going to stand up at my funeral and recount the amazing deals I was able to negotiate on behalf of my clients. 

Last night, I was digging through some boxes looking for pictures for our high school reunion slideshow.  I found a box full of pictures from before Jake was born and his first year.  I just wept as I went through them.  Partly because I miss my sweet baby boy (who is just full of pre-adolescent narcissism at the moment), partly because I realized (maybe for the first time) just how tiny and sick he was, and partly (mostly?) because I miss the Stephanie that is in those photos.  She was healthy and vibrant and fun.  She didn’t shy away from the camera and she smiled…a lot.  She looked forward to going to her 10-year high school reunion (even though I missed it because Jake had just been born).  She loved her job and her husband and her life. 

Now, I think the only thing that remains is that she loves her husband. 

The last 10 years have not been easy and it shows.  I don’t even recognize pictures of myself anymore (what few there are of me because I don’t want to remember what I look like right now).  Every day, I think to myself that I hate my job.  I’m not going to my high school reunion.  I blame it on the fact that it falls on Lloyd’s 40th birthday, but the real truth is that I don’t want anyone to see me looking like I do.  I’m more overweight than I’ve ever been in my life.   It’s even causing me to put off making a trip to Colorado this summer to see my grandma.  She’s 90 and while she is healthy and doing well, I know that I need to seize every opportunity I have to see her.  But, I don’t want to because I’m fat. 

Last Saturday, I participated in a 1/2 marathon.  I did it because I wanted to have a goal that would help me get back on track.  I hoped it would be healing for me.  Instead, I think it opened up a huge can of worms – realizing how I have neglected myself in order to take care of everything else.  And, then the pictures came and I was absolutely horrified at how I look.  Maybe horrified enough to finally do something about it?  But, I am so scared of failing….again.

I went to bed thinking that the Stephanie in those earlier pictures would have been disgusted with the Stephanie in those 1/2 marathon pictures.  If she were sitting with me today, she would tell me to get off my ass and change things.  In fact, I think she is with me today….telling me to get off my ass and change things.  It just seems like such a long road.

August 24, 2008.  I had my world rocked yesterday.  I blogged about it, but just not ready to have all the world see it.  Then, I read the entries here.  So serious.  A little pretentious.  Who the hell am I?  Who am I trying to be?  My husband actually noticed that I smiled the other day.  How sad is that – that I smile so little that he actually notices — and COMMENTS — on the fact that I smiled?  And yesterday, I got out a cookbook for the first time in –well, a long time — and he said it was nice to have a real dinner.  Ugh.  I’ve been beating myself up over all the weight I’ve gained.  If I spent a fraction of the time I spend thinking about how unhappy I am with my body actually DOING something about it, I would be skinny.  I have these grand ideas about how I will work out everyday…I have the time…I have a membership at the Y.  But, I have all of these excuses about why I don’t go.  The most ridiculous one?  I’m too fat.  I will go to the Y when I have lost weight so people don’t see me fat.  How messed up is that?  But, this one takes the cake….I realized the other day that comcast has workouts “on demand”.  JACKPOT!  I can work out at home without getting bored with the same old workouts (and get in shape before I go to the Y).  What did I do?  Sat on the couch and watched an entire workout to see how hard it was.  AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH.  If the 27 year old me saw the 37 year old me, she would think she was pathetic.  She IS pathetic.  And starting today, I am going to do something about it.   My goal today is to smile at my husband when he comes home.  Because he really is a great husband.  He loves me no matter how crazy I am, no matter how much I weigh and he just wants to make me happy.  He needs to know that he does make me happy.

As we planned our trip to Tennessee, we knew that we wanted to add some extra days on to the end of the conference dates to enjoy just being a family together.  We had three choices: 1)  Stay in Nashville and explore further, 2)  Go to Memphis or 3)  Drive east and visit the Great Smoky Mountain National Park.  We chose 3 for a variety of reasons – not the least of which is that Jake has decided he wants to visit every National Park in the county….which would make his Great Grandfather proud.  We had also heard of the great beauty of the Smoky Mountains and I really wanted to see it for myself.  It is beautiful, to be sure.  And, we learned all about how and when the Smokies were formed (before the dinosaurs!) and why they came to inhabit over 1000 species of plants and animals….many of which are not found anywhere else in the world.   But, I found myself being a tad disappointed and I couldn’t really figure out why.  And, then it hit me.   I already LIVE in one of the most beautiful places in the country.  I get to see amazing beauty every day.  When Mt Rainier is painted majestically against a brilliant blue Northwest sky, it never fails to take my breath away.  And, it took me a while to appreciate even this….because I grew up in Colorado…where from the top of Gold Hill Ridge (12,725 ft) in Telluride, you can see the red rocks of Utah.  I almost found myself snickering when I heard that the highest peak in the Smokies is a mere 6,600 feet.  But, then I learned that they are perhaps the oldest mountains in the world…formed 200-300 million years ago.  It’s mind-blowing to think about.  I started to try and imagine what they looked like back then.  Maybe they were similar to my beloved San Juans, who are mere babies in comparison (formed about 30 million years ago).  It tells me that God is continually creating and recreating…and what an amazing artist He is!

San Juan Mountains (Wilson Peak)

Great Smoky Mountains

Mt. Rainier

Dylan passed away on July 5th. I found out early in the morning of July 6th – just before I had to go to my old house and clean. I just walked around in a daze. I knew that it was going to happen but nothing prepares you for the death of a child. Nothing. So, I scrubbed floors and toilets and just cried. For the past three weeks, I keep telling myself that I should blog about it. But, I have not been able to make myself type the words.

My sweet son, bless his heart….reminded me that the good news was that Dylan was with Jesus. Yes, that is good news. It’s still hard for those of us who are left wondering why these things happen.

Here is Heide’s post on CaringBridge, as well as a copy of the obituary.

4 days short of 18 months of fighting AML leukemia without any remission, our son Dylan passed away yesterday July 5th at 2:15 PM. His body could not keep up with his will to live and gave in. We are having faith in God that he is with his Mimi (Scott’s Mom) eating meatballs and watching game shows and fooling around with my Grandpa. I pray that these very important people in our lives care for our FOREVER 8 yr old until Scott and I are given the chance to be reunited with him. The important things we are focusing on are that Dylan is now healthy in heaven, he passed quickly, out of pain, and that while he was on earth we did everything to heal him that we could, but more importantly we did everything we could to make him happy! As expected, we are not ok. Our three little boys (6 yrs old and 4 1/2yrs old) are not ok. We knew it would be hard but we were not expecting how hard. There are periods of crying in our house. I won’t lie about it- this is painful but as always…we will PUSH the FROG and take all the memories, love and lessons that Dylan has taught us and move forward. He was such an amazing boy!

Mayo, Dylan Scott CLIFTON PARK, N.Y. Dylan Scott Mayo, 8, son of Scott and Heide Mayo of Clifton Park passed away on July 5, 2008 after a long 18 month battle with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. He was an amazing, courageous boy with a will to live that out lived his body. He was always smiling and reassuring people he was fine. He loved Pokemon and spending time with his family and friends. Dylan was well loved throughout his community and beyond. He would have been a 4th grader at Okte Elementary School this fall. He will always be loved and never be forgotten. Besides his parents, Dylan is survived by his three younger brothers, Jacob, Devin, and Justin; along with his paternal grandfather, Michael Mayo; his maternal grandparents, Earl and Barbara Kehoe; his maternal great-grandmother, Helen Stock; and many, many aunts, uncles, and cousins. He was predeceased by his paternal grandmother, Gail Mayo who met him at Heaven’s gate. The viewing will be on Tuesday, July 8 from 4-8 p.m. at Gordon C. Emerick Funeral Home in Clifton Park. All are invited to celebrate Dylan’s life with us. Burial will be private on Saturday. In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to the Catie Hoch Foundation. This foundation was a huge help and wealth of information for our family during our last 18 months. Please send donations to: Catie Hoch Foundation, 27 Southwood Drive, Ballston Lake, NY 12019.

I got a new ‘do the other day. It was a long time coming and I spent way too much money….but I figure that I’ve probably saved enough in NOT getting my hair cut over the years to justify it. The stylist, “designer”, William sat down and talked to me about me and my daily routine to determine what style would be the easiest and most flattering – and most importantly, matched my personality. I felt like I was in an episode of “What Not to Wear” as he turned me around to see the new creation in the mirror. I got tears in my eyes and said “I feel like ‘me’ again”. And, I have to tell you – it’s easy to get used to people telling you how good you look. Over the past 6 days, the adjective that has been used to describe the new look is “sassy”. So, William nailed it. Sassy it is.

There is no appropriate title for this post.

Dylan is coming to the end of his journey.  I knew this day would come – but there is no way to prepare for the death of a child. He’s 8.  He’s not supposed to die.  He’s supposed to be running around with endless energy driving his mother crazy.  It makes me sad and angry.  And, I can’t stand hearing people try to explain it away.  I know they mean well, but it doesn’t make anyone feel any better to hear “It’s God’s plan”.  Yes, I believe that God works everything out for his good purposes (Romans 8:28), but I don’t picture God sitting in heaven deciding that he’s going to break a mother’s heart.  No.  I believe that God is grieving, too.

I wish I had something eloquent to say.  But really, it just sucks.

Please pray that Dylan and his family will have a peace that passes all understanding.